motivate me

I haven't blogged in a couple of months now it seems. I'm feeling a little lost these days, maybe blogging will help a bit.

Today it is cold, and was snowing a bit (I haven't even gone outside yet). Yesterday was cold and snowed a lot. The day before that it was super cold, and didn't snow. The sky was blue for about a half hour yesterday. It was so inspiring. I kept looking outside at it every few seconds while I sat rummaging throught papers at my desk by the window. The blue of the sky looked so nice against the blue flower boxes of the apartment across from mine. There is a leafy hedge that is still green beside the apartment. The building is kind of a creamy colour, but against the sky it looked yellow. I made a square with my hands like you do when you imagine how a scene would look as a photograph. I blocked out the snow and leafless trees, and my little square I saw spring and summer. It was beautiful. But didn't last, it quickly turned grey again. One of my good French friends asked me yesterday if I was still feeling lost, still searching for what it is I want in life. (this corresponds with a conversation we had a week ago over dinner). My answer was no. Sometimes things seemed more clear than other times.... but no, I'm still searching. I replied to him "je préfère d'etre perdue à Paris qu'à Toronto". I miss my family and friends back home so much. I want support. I want to go out for sushi with my friends and find out what they did this week, or last week, or last year :(. I want to go spend a weekend at my parents and let them give me good advice and tell me how much they love me, and just sit with my sister and take comfort in knowing that we will always be there for eachother no matter what. I miss being with my bestfriends and crying together about things that make us sad in life. I guess I am homesick. I am feeling so lost in life at the moment. I always feel stresssed when I have to choose a career, what I will study etc. I think part of my fear is that once I study, and graduate and find a job, the search will be over. As much as I hate the fact of being 22 and having studied 3 seperate times, and yet have no diploma to show, I think I secretly enjoy this. I must deep down take pleasure in this search for my wants and needs and ambitions in life. I think part of it also has to do with the fact that I find it all a little bit....stupid. I sometimes can't believe what us wonderful yet confused human beings are doing with our lives! A person who spends their life doing nothing in particular; taking photos, selling flowers on the street, never growing up....we may call them reckless, or lazy.....but I call it beautiful. I sometimes dream about the simplicity of living in a more traditional place, where working in a rice field is life. Where your family and loved ones come before everything. There are people who save lives for a living.....and I'm studying art history. I feel terrible when I think about that. Who am I helping? Art is beautiful and evokes emotions, and can teach us things about the past. I agree with all of this....but, it's not for me. I like to think about the present, the future.... I am going to apply to some public art schools for graphic design in Paris. Maybe some programs related to tourism, hotels, teaching english, culinary arts.... oh, another part of my problem is that too many things interest me. And Paris is so inspiring that I am so often finding something new that interests me.