gut

It's 1:13am, Paris France.

I vacuumed my bedroom yesterday, but in order to do so I had to move all of the shit off my floor onto my bed. It's not my fault my room is impossible to keep tidy, it's the size of a locker.... and I never kept my high school locker tidy. Why am I talking about lockers? This is what happens when my fingers touch the keyboard. Scatter-brained random thoughts, that's what happens.

so, now it is 1:16, Paris France.

(Proof that I did not leave the city in the past 3 minutes)

I should be sleeping, but I still have homework to do, and a bed to clean. My brain is full of thoughts. Some selfish thoughts. I have been feeling guilty lately for wanting so badly to stay in Paris. I want to stay here. Want. Ew. I would like to stay here. But it's more than "would like", so it's want. Which is just selfish. And my mom sent me an email the other day which related to my thoughts perfectly. I was stressing out about university here, and my working holiday visa, and french customs etc.

And this is what she wrote:

This is a whole new topic, but something I heard about yesterday that sheds a whole new light on every situation and sort of puts life in perspective.

You remember Lauren, our neighbours Tom and Henrietta's granddaughter. And do you remember her mother Maria and her father Felix? They've been living in Brighton, England, for the past few years. Five weeks ago Maria started having excruciating headaches, went in for testing (CT scan, MRI) and they discovered a massive brain tumour. She was operated on immediately (March 7) and seemed to be recovering well.....until she spiked a fever, which meant infection, which was fatal. She passed away yesterday. She was around 49. I was shocked and Henrietta is a basketcase. Felix doesn't want her to come over to Europe though. He says there is nothing she can do at this point, so she is staying put here.

Anyway, depressing news, but I wanted you to know, and it does put life in perspective in many ways, I feel. And it also makes me feel even better about coming to see you and seeing a city and country I otherwise would never have had the opportunity to see.

I love you sweetie !!!!

I always forget that things like that can happen in life. It would be wrong to spend my entire life worrying about the things that 'could' happen, however, it would be wise for me to consider all of the wonderful things I have and have experience, and be more open to possibilities.

This being said, I am not saying I am completely ok with leaving France. I am far too content here with the life I have. But after reflecting, and the email from my mom, I am going to be more open letting life just take it's course, and if something doesn't work out as planned, find an alternative, or be content with the cards I have been dealt. No time for pouting and pity, that is just a waste of time.



Life is grand. More than grand. Je suis vraiment content.